Total

Hi, I´m Jane. Who are you?

I´m Total.

Total?

Yeah, I changed it from Maximum.

Ég er byrjaður að vinna að kvikmynd. Hún á að fjalla um svaka töffara sem heitir Total. Hann er harður í horn að taka og lætur ekki hafa sig að fífli. Myndin hefst á því, að hann situr fyrir utan kaffihús við fjölfarna götu í bandarískri stórborg og les bók. Af og til stoppa gangandi vegfarendur til að spyrja hann að hinu og þessu:

1.
Eldri kona: Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Total: Yes it is. You got a problem with that?

2.
Gangandi vegfarandi: Excuse me, do you know what time it is?

Total: Yeah, it´s half past two. You got a problem with that?

3.
Túristi: Pardon me sir, could you please tell me where I can find this address?

(Túristinn sýnir honum blaðsnepil.)

Total (án þess að líta upp úr bókinni): Sure, it´s just around the corner. You got a problem with that?

Túristi: Which corner, please?

Total: Don´t push your luck.

Þetta byrjunaratriði setur tóninn fyrir restina af myndina. Total er harður í horn að taka. Hann er atvinnulaus heimspekingur sem dregst óvænt inn í heim ósvífinna þorpara og glæsikvenda. Söguþráðurinn er ekki alveg kominn á hreint, en hann mun vafalaust snúast kringum það, hvað Total er ótrúlega svalur. Nokkur dæmi:

1.
X: You´re such a dick.

Total: No I´m not. You´re just confused cause your dick tries so hard to be like me.

2.
Total: Have you ever seen those pre-operative trans-sexuals? You know, the ones that look exactly like chicks except they´ve still got all the bits and pieces dangling between their legs.

X: Uh, sure, shemales. Why?

Total: You look like the exact opposite of that.


3.
X: What time is it?

Total: It´s nine thirty.

X: How do you know? You didn´t even look at your watch.

Total: I don´t own a watch. You got a problem with that?


4.
X: What are you doing?

Total: I´m beating the crap out of the last person that asked me a stupid question.

X: No, you´re not.

Total: I know. I just like to think two steps ahead.


5.
Total: This reminds me of something Socrates once said.

X: What was that?

Total: That your mom should´ve had an abortion.

Dömurnar munu dýrka Total:

6.
Total: Whoah! Did you piss your pants or are you just pleased to see me?

7.
Total: You shouldn´t carry anything heavy while you´re pregnant. The strain might make the baby shoot out of you and break it´s skull on the pavement.

Y: Will you help me, then?

Total: Do I look like your bitch?

8.
X: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?

Total: I´m Total and I just gave your wife a multiple orgasm.

X: What?!

Total: Listen pal, you don´t want to test my patience. I´ve got a black belt in explaining stupid crap to dumb shits.

Að lokum kemur að því að hann þarf að kljást við vonda kallinn, en hann er algjört illbermi og ómenni:

9.
Vondi kall: You think you´re pretty hot shit, don´t you?

Total: Where there´s smoke, there´s hot shit.

Vondi kall: Fuck you, asshole! You can suck my dick!

Total: What, like, with my mouth? That sounds disgusting. You´re sick.

En hver ætti að leika Total? Og hvað á myndin að heita? Mér hefur bara dottið eitt nafn í hug, Awesome: The Total Story.

Allar tillögur eru vel þegnar.